Tales For The Barmy!
by Super-Saiyan-3-Vegeta
Summary: A small collection of short stories that never really went anywhere. Some may, but I'm really not sure right now. Rating will be M for Excessive language and mild suggestions. Formally 'One-Shots or Us'
1. Chapter 1

**Odd Balls Or US~!**

**Disclaimer: Nope don't own Harry Potter**

**A/N: Just a few one shots that won't get out of my head. Not all are humor related by the way.**

**F*** YOU!**

This was it. The moment the Wizarding World had been waiting for. Harry Potter, age 16, was about to make a public statement to the press. Witches and Wizards all over the globe had gathered to hear the boy-who-lived out. Rumors of his presentation were spreading like wildfire. Many believed he was going to public show his stance against Voldemort. Many believed he was announcing his candidacy to become the youngest Minister of Magic in the history of Wizarding Britain.

The crowd of reporters hushed as Harry Potter walked onto the stage. His dark black robes billowed in the non-existent wind. The only useful thing he ever learned from Snape he would say one day. His glasses were no more. He had not long gotten a set of magically amplified contacts. The image of Harry Potter the press were seeing was not one of a frightened boy. No, this was an strong, proud individual standing before them.

That was when the attention turned to the three girls trailing him. One was easy identified by the bushy brown hair trailing behind her. This was his best friend Hermione Granger. The second was a petite, blond haired girl who had eyes like quicksilver. After asking around, the reporters learned she was a pure-blood by the name of Luna Lovegood. The last girl caused a few gasps of surprise from the gathered crowd. If they were not mistaken. This was the daughter of Claude Greengrass, heiress to the Greengrass fortune. Another questions about the girls was silenced as Harry stepped to the podium and waved his hand to silence the crowd.

"I know a lot of rumors, speculations, and what not have been going around about why I'm addressing the Wizarding World today. I have but three things to say. First, I want to announce my marriage to these three lovely ladies behind me." He gestured behind him.

"How can you marry more than one woman? You're a potter. You don't have multiple blood line connections." One reporter said. This caused a murmur of speculation from the rest.

Harry smiled. "Ah Yes. About that, as it turns out. I inherited the black titles from my godfather, Sirius Black. And as for the third title, well... I'll just show you."

Harry struck a pose reminiscent of a 1980's cartoon hero. With his legs apart and his hand held high. The crowd watched in amazement as the fabled Sword of Gryffindor, appeared in his hand.

"Now that that is out of the way. Let me introduce you to Hermione Potter, Luna Lovegood-Gryffindor, and Daphne Greengrass-Black." Each of the girls smiled, waved, and bowed for the crowd.

The reporters took their photos and turned back to Harry.

"Now, Secondly, I want to say WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" He shouted. This caught several people by surprise. Harry felt the hands of his wives on his shoulders, so he took a few calm breaths. "You people act like sheep. You believe the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of a 16 year old boy. A boy who has never knew about the Wizarding world until he was 11. A boy who was neglected, treated horribly, and used like a house Elf by his abusive relatives," Hermione and the others growled in response. All three had made plans to visit the Dursley household. "I just can honestly say I don't understand why you have no faith in the D.M.L.E. I mean, it is the cops after all... well basically," He glanced and Hermione, who was giving him her patented 'hurry up look so we can get on with making babies'. In fact, he noticed all three of his wives giving him that look. Feeling a certain part stir. He turned back to the crowd. "Well, I've got to go. Later peeps."

He was about to leave when one of the reporters commented that he had said he had three things to say but only said two.

"Oh Yeah. You people think I'm the savior one moment, than the next dark lord next," He paused to look at the owl-blinking reports. "I guess what I'm trying to say is. FUCK YOU! My wives and I are leaving Britain. Yes, were heading to the tropics to live out a peaceful life." He said, pulling his wives into a four-way hug.

"But... But what about the dark lord?" One reporter squeaked.

"What about him? He can go blow himself for all I care. As long as he stays out of my way. I could really give-a-shit. So if you're hearing this Voldy. Fuck you, fuck the ministry, and everyone else can kiss my white, bony, soon to be well toned arse. Peace out bitches!"

As Harry and his wives left. One thing lingered in the minds of the reporters, and the Wizarding world. "We Are So Screawed."

**One Last Request!**

**A/N: This came to me as insomnia gripped me once again.**

"Any last words Harry Potter?" Voldemort asked. This was it, he was about to win. The boy stood across from him in the clearing, alone, and without anyone to help him. Yes, he would end it here and now.

"Well... Actually, I was thinking more of a last request." Harry stated hesitantly. Why was he worried? Hell, he was about to die so at least he could have the courage to ask a question.

This seemed to take Voldemort and his Death Eaters by surprise. "I must say Harry. I am intrigued. What is your last request? Shall I spare the Mud-Blood? Spare the Blood-Traitor? What shall it be?" He asked.

Voldemort lowered his wand and waited patiently. He wasn't worried about the boy suddenly attacking. Not when he had several dozen of his loyal followers guarding him.

Harry closed his eyes and took a breath. When he opened his eyes, the look that he gave Voldemort caused said dark lord to raise an eye bone.

"Look Tom, I'll be straight with you. I realize that I'm going to die. I just don't want to die a virgin OK."

Whatever Voldemort was expecting this was not it. He looked around at the circle to see several of his death eaters staring in confusion as well.

"I'm sorry Harry. But, I don't swing that way." Voldemort stated. He tried to hide the shakiness in his voice. Was Harry Potter really asking him this?

Harry deadpanned. "Ah! I wasn't asking you for that," He paused to take a deep breath. "I know that you have several, beautiful, death eater women in your ranks. Hell, Mrs. Malfoy is one as well. And wouldn't it be fitting for me to fuck over Draco by fucking his mother huh? What do you say Tom. Would you honor this lowly Gryffindor one last request?"

Voldemort was taken aback. Surely the boy wasn't serious? He ignored the outcries from The Lady Malfoy, who was surprise he was seriously considering this. He just had to ask one more thing.

"So you and the Weasley girl?" Harry shook his head. "What about the Mud-Blood?" Again Harry shook his head.

Voldemort contemplated it for a few minutes. Suddenly an idea struck him. A very evil idea.

Voldemort sighed. "Well, I don't think I'll be able to give you request as you ask," Seeing Harry's nod in acceptance he smiled. "I will however give you your request in a different fashion," Voldemort noticed the curious looks he was receiving so he decided to elaborate. "Magical blood is such a terrible thing to waist Harry. Why, you yourself are a half-blood. But, you are also heir to a powerful bloodline by being a Potter. Not to mention the fact that you are indeed a powerful wizard Harry. Why else would you be marked as my equal?"

Harry wasn't sure he liked where this was going. If all else fails, he was still prepared to die.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm granting your wish," With a flick of his wand Harry found himself bound. "Now that is taken care of. I shall tell you what I will do Harry. I'm going to keep you alive... at least for a while. You will be used for breeding. As I said Harry, you are indeed a powerful wizard and it would be a shame to loose that blood. Bellatrix! You're first up. Narcissa will follow you."

Between the Cackle and scream no one was sure what to make of the chaos in the clearing.

**Er... ok...**

Ron Weasley was happy. He had married Hermione and was about to be a father. He stood in the delivery room while holding his wife's hand tight.

"You can do it might love. I know you can." He encouraged.

Hermione growled. In between pants she glared up at him. "Ron... there's... something... I..." She tried to say.

She was cut off however as she screamed for one last push. The cries of a child graced the room.

The room had fallen silent and Ron looked up from his wife to find out why.

"Er... Congratulations... I think..." The nurse said. She handed Ron the baby. A baby boy, who had green eyes and a head full of Black, unruly hair.

Ron glanced at Hermione who was looked Sheepish. "Err... about that..."

**Blond And Silver!**

Harry stood on the cliff face surveying the countryside. The war had been over for five years, yet things seemed no better. Oh it wasn't the Ministry or anything like that. No, it was the fact that his wife of three years was gone.

He had cared for Ginny, this was true. But, there was something that just didn't seem right in their relationship. Ginny had declared that he just couldn't let the past go. She had told him the war was over and it was time for them to live. While Harry might have agreed. The guilt over all the losses was finally getting to him. Oh it had taken a few years for it to happen. Thankfully, Ginny had been there for him. But now, with her gone, he had become a shell of the person he was. One day he just decided to leave. He left a note on the table for Ginny. He explained the reasons they could no longer be together. He told her to find someone that could make her happy. For her to live, because he couldn't. He knew she immediately floo'd Hermione and Ron. He had dodged countless people who were searching for him. No, things could never be the same. The search was called off after a year. The last time he picked up a paper he found Ginny had gotten signed to the Hollyhead Harpies. He was happy in a way that she had taken his advice.

He closed his eyes before taking a step closer to the edge. 'Goodbye Ginny. Goodbye Hermione and Ron. I'll miss you guys. But at least I get to be with Sirius and my parents... finally.. Please forgive me.' He took a deep breath and lifted his foot. One more step and he would put a end to all his pain.

"Is this what you really want to do Harry Potter?" A voice asked behind him. He jumped slightly and nearly fell off the cliff. He turned to see Luna standing there, staring at him.

"Luna... what are you doing here?" He asked.

The petite blond smiled her serene smile and stepped closer. Harry noticed she had on a light silver dress. Her hair hung to her waist in braids. Her eyes, as always, were captivating.

"Don't come any closer Luna... please." He almost begged.

She paused and cocked her head to the side. "I'm not here to stop you Harry," She said, taking him by surprise. "I'm here to tell you something.. something I've been wanting to tell you for years."

Silence hung in the air as Harry contemplated what to do. Finally, he nodded.

With a speed that surprised him, Luna was in his face and had her arms around him.

"Luna!" Harry gasped. He could feel the back of his foot hanging slightly over the edge of the cliff. His attention was pulled back to the blond as he noticed tears in her silver eyes.

"I know you feel like no one loves you Harry.. but you're wrong. I never told you this because of I did not want to interfere with Ginny and yours relationship. But.. If you want to throw away your life I won't stop you. But I will show you that if you choose to live. You have something to live for. I love you Harry Potter. I have since the first time I met you in fifth year, and I'm a damn fool for never telling you before Ginny got her hands on you."

Luna gripped his face and pulled him into a kiss. Harry was surprised at first, but the warm softness of her lips lit a fire in him. He pushed her back causing the two to stumble. There they made love on the cliff edge as the sun set.

One year later...

"Luna.. will you marry me?" Harry asked. The pair stood in Luna's garden behind her old home. Luna was silent for a moment before she jumped onto Harry causing him to fall backwards onto the tomatoes. He didn't really care though as Luna kept saying 'Yes' while trying to kiss every part of him.

Four years later...

"Congratulations Harry, It's twins, a boy and girl." Healer Hannah Bottom said.

A thump was heard as Harry hit the floor. Hannah turned to Luna. "Does he do this a lot?"

Luna smiled. "Oh... I'm sure it will be a common occurrence." She said mysteriously.

16 years later...

A soft crack was heard as Luna and Harry appeared on top of a cliff.

"Why are we here dear?" Luna asked. She rubbed her once again swollen belly.

"Do you remember this place?" He asked.

She looked around, trying to think. Then it hit her. "Why yes I do. But, why did you bring us here?" She asked.

Harry stepped towards the cliff. The sun had begun to set and highlighted his smiling face in its glow.

"This was where you saved my life Luna. This is where you gave me the one desire that I've always wanted." He stepped close to her and pulled her into a hug.

"What's that?" She said with barely a whisper.

"You gave me love... a love that no one ever gave me," He stepped back slightly to look in her eyes. "Then you gave me a family... a rather large family I might add."

"11 kids is not large Harry," Luna said with a huff. "Ok... maybe it is, but it will be 12 soon." She said rubbing her belly.

Harry nodded and smiled. "And I have you to thank for that. I owe you so much. I will always love you Luna Potter. Thank you." He pulled her into a kiss that made her toes curl.

Suddenly she gasped. "What is it?" He asked as she stepped back.

"My water broke."

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this serious of small stories and so forth. I plan on updating when I get a chance. I wrote the last one as a thank you for an author who I respect profoundly. Thanks Aealkat. And thank you everyone for your continued support.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, etc...**

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for the awesome response I got to the first segment of this series. As I said before, this is just a collection of one-shots, odd ideas, and just things that pop in my head that really don't go anywhere. This first story contains Violence, so you are warned. As you can tell with this warning. The first story is rather dark.**

**Demon!**

Harry Potter knew he was different. He heard it every day. His family called him a freak everyday. The first memory he had was asking for his 'mama' only to be told that she was a whore and gotten herself killed while doing a job.

He stifled a sob as he tried to act unimportant. It would not do well for his Uncles guests to hear him. Yes, One Harry James Potter was currently in his cupboard under the stairs. He was being punished for asking about a strange letter that had came for him.

He paused as he heard the creak and groans of his Uncles chair. He held his breath as he waited to see whether his uncle had heard his cries. After a moment of silence his Uncle resumed talking. He let out a deep breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.

His mind wondered back to the letter. His Uncle's failed attempts at keeping them out of the house had failed. So his Uncle got smart. He nailed the vents to Harry's door shut and locked him inside. That was three days ago. The Dursey's while horrible, were not stupid. Petunia, his aunt, would often open the door for a few minutes to refresh the air. That way there was no fear of him dying of suffocation. Starvation however, was a very real possibility. The only thing Harry often ate was stale bread and water, thanks to his Aunt and Uncle of course. In fact, he was rarely let out of his cupboard. It was most likely the reason he was so skinny. So skinny, that his ribs often showed. Most of this, while a major concern to him, wasn't what worried him. What worried him was the fact that his Aunt and Uncle had pulled him from school, citing the fact that he had an unknown illness. That had been the last week of school before the summer. He wasn't sure what was causing it, but he was getting a bad feeling that something terrible was going to happen.

So here he was, stretched out on his cot in his cupboard, as he ticked the minutes away. Once the clock struck twelve on the stolen watch he had gotten from his Uncle. He made a wish, a wish that someone, or something would take him away from his horrible place.

A sudden loud crack jarred him out of his thoughts. Someone was pounding on the front door. He soon heard his Uncles yells as he thundered down the stairs with Petunia and apparently a half asleep Dudley, which he could tell by the loud whining that was coming from his cousin.

Harry heard the front door open, followed by loud yelling from his Uncle.

"Now see here, I do not want any of you freaks in my house. You hear me?" His Uncle roared.

This apparently went on deaf ears by the visitor, as he or she barged into the house, which set off Petunia, who was screaming like a Banshee.

Harry suddenly heard voices outside his door. "Where's Harry you stupid bint?" A female voice asked. Harry perked up. Could his wish have really been granted?

Not a sound was heard from Petunia, so Harry saw his chance and banged on the door, calling for help.

"Oh my god!" The voice said again. Harry had to wince, and fall backwards as bright light that was shinning through a now open door, greeted him.

Harry heard the woman gasp, followed by a growl from her companion.

"What have you done to him? He looks on the verge of death?" The man asked.

Harry's eyes finally adjusted to the brightness for him to take in the appearance of his saviors.

The woman had blond hair, while sporting a round face with a kind smile. The man was slightly balding with red hair.

The woman smiled at him. "I'm Emmeline, and this is Arthur. Were here to take you to someplace safe."

Harry couldn't believe it. His wish was coming true after all.

"I don't think so." A crack was heard and silence followed it. Harry stared at Emmeline whose smile suddenly vanished. Harry screamed in horror as she dropped to her knees and fell over while blood began to pool around her.

Arthur immediately pulled his wand only to scream as something slammed into his back.

Petunia grunted as she pulled the large butcher knife from his back. Arthur fell to his knees and slowly lifted his head. Looking at Harry he said one last word. "RUN!" That was his final word as Vernon turned the shot gun and ended the kind mans life.

Despite Arthur's word. Harry couldn't move, he was frozen in terror. He turned to the Dursey's who looked absolutely ecstatic at their accomplishment.

"Well dear what do you know, their not so tough after all." Vernon chuckled. Petunia could only nod.

"Now, I think it's finally time to do away with the boy don't you think?" She asked with a sadistic smile.

Harry decided it was time to run. He scrambled out of his cupboard and made for the door. He only got a few feet before he was slammed to the ground hard. The impact broke his nose in the process. He grabbed his nose as he was jerked violently onto his side. Dudley was smiling down at him with Glee.

"I'm glad we can finally get rid of the freak Dad. He's been so horrible to my friends." Dudley announced.

"I'm so glad were getting rid of the freak than," She kicked Harry in the ribs causing him to groan and cough up some blood. "No freak should ever cause trouble for my Dudley."

Harry watched as Vernon sat his shotgun on the fireplace mantle. The man waddled to the hall closet and retrieved one of his prized golf clubs. Harry realized what the man intended. He tried to crawl away only to have Dudley sit on his chest, causing his already weakened ribs to groan in resistance.

"Well... It looks like this is the end of the road for you freak!," Vernon spat.

Harry tried desperately to get Dudley off of him. But the boy above him was far too fat to move in Harry's frail and weakened state. Harry's eyes widened as Vernon reared back to swing the club. The last thought going through Harry's head before the golf club connected was that at least, he would be with his parents.

Little did Harry know that his cry for help was heard.. It was heard by a very strange and unusual source. For you see, there are many things in this world that are unknown... even to Wizards and Witches.

**HPHPHPHPHPPHP**

The street of Privet Drive was quiet. At exactly three a.m., the wind began to pick up. The tree's swayed in the breeze as gusts of wind began to blow dirt and cobble down the street. As the wind moved towards number four, Privet Drive, the street lights began to extinguish. A darkness was creeping towards Privet Drive. A darkness so black, that not even the stars could be seen through it. A tree cracked and fell from the force the wind was exuberating on it.

As it finally came to a stop at number four. All lights on the street went out.

The door to number four suddenly exploded inwards violently. Petunia Dursley had just enough time to look up before been thrown backwards and impaled by a piece of debris. Vernon roared in horror at see his wife's body go limp. He turned towards the door only to jump back in fright.

Blood from the two slain magicals, began to pool in a spot on the floor. Vernon turned towards Harry who lay wrapped up in a trash back. He noticed a trail of blood running from the boys body to the pool of blood that was forming. The freak must have cursed him before he took care of him, he was sure of turned back to the pool only to gasp as a hand emerged from it. Only, it was a hand unlike anything he had ever seen. The hand looked human, except it had long blade like claws. Vernon watched as a head emerged. He realized then that this was a woman, judging from the human-like female appearance. Only thing different, was the horns that protruded from her head. She had jet black raven colored hair, with dark, fiery green eyes. As more of her rose up, Vernon noticed she was completely nude. A pair of black wings unfolded from her back and spread wide as her feet finally exited the pool of blood.

**HPHPHPHPHPHPHP**

She stood for a moment with her eyes closed. She was savoring the feeling of being in the mortal world once again. It had been too long. She opened her eyes and surveyed her surroundings. Her eyes immediately focused on the fat man laying on the floor before her, a woman impaled against the wall, two dead bodies, and something wrapped in plastic. She sent out a pulse with her mind and nearly reeled back in shock. The boy... the boy that called her was in that bag. With speed that caused the man in front of her to 'yelp'. She was kneeling at the boys side and had begun to tear away the plastic. She held her hand still for a moment. Vernon watched as her hand reshaped into a human hand. She nodded and placed it against the boys chest. A feeling of warmth told her the boy was still alive, but barely. She didn't have much time. She held her wrist up to her mouth and using her teeth, sliced open her flesh. She placed it against the boys mouth and watched as it began to trickle down his throat.

Vernon wasn't sure what to do. He knew one thing for sure though, he was scared shitless. It was a realization then, that Dudley was still upstairs. Vernon began to wonder why the boy had yet to come downstairs. Vernon also began to pray that this freak would take the boys body and leave. A sudden coughing caught his attention, causing him to look at the two freaks.

She watched as Harry coughed a few times before his breathing steadied. Her gaze turned to Vernon. With a smile, she moved towards the obese man.

"Stay away from me you freak!" Vernon screamed, as he tried to crawl away from the woman.

The woman, if possible, smiled even more sadistically. It was becoming obvious to Vernon that she was enjoying playing with him.

Suddenly, Vernon found himself being lifted off his feet and pulled towards the woman. As he came face to face with the woman, he wanted to scream, but found himself unable to.

"I'm a bit hungry you know. I think I'll have a bit of a snack." She said sweetly.

Vernon stared in horror as her face contorted into the most hideous thing he had ever seen. Vernon didn't have time to think as she began to devour his face. This was the fate of one Vernon Dursey.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Years passed with strange happenings going on in the Wizarding World. Entire Prominent Pure-Blood families were often wiped out. Though most noticed that these pure-blood families were once supporters of Lord Voldemort. On September 1st of what would be Harry's first year. The Wizarding World was heart broken as to everyone's surprise. The boy-who-lived never showed. A check on Harry's home had revealed to Albus that the boys relatives had been murdered a few years before.

A few things happened then. Albus Dumbledore fell out of favor with the Wizarding World. After learning from Minerva that Albus had left Harry with the muggles. The Wizarding World wanted his head. Albus, seeing that he was backed into a corner, resigned from all his posts, including Hogwarts.

Now our journey comes to an end my friends... but I have just one more thing to share with you...

Albus looked at the clock as it chimed 3 a.m. He had been unable to sleep right these last few years. A steady stream of constant nightmares plagued his sleep often. Most were about the boy-who-lived and how he failed to save him. He had sent two of his best members when his mechanisms in his office had alerted him that Harry was in danger. Albus, of course knew that Harry had vanished from the Dursey's. He had tried to hide it, but to many muggles had been at the scene. He silently cursed his luck.

Albus was taking a sip of tea when a voice he had never heard before, spoke from the darkness.

"So, this is the man who left me on the door step of my god forsaken relatives."

Albus had his wand in his hand in a flash. He spun while mutter _'Lumos,'_

Albus found himself staring at a boy of sixteen or seventeen. The boy had raven black hair, with dark piercing green eyes. He was also dressed in black from head to toe. Albus also noticed the boy wasn't alone. A spare glance revealed two companions. One was covered completely in black, as was the other. Only difference was one had her nothing covering her face. Albus recognized her immediately.

"Ms. Lovegood?" He asked surprised.

"That's Mrs. Lovegood to you Sir," She said. She walked over and looped her arm through the young mans. She turned back to Albus. "I got married earlier this year," She said, flashing a dark ring on her finger. "I do have to ask though. How do you know my name?"

"I did enjoy several articles of the Quibbler. Your photo was often on the back under 'reporters thoughts' section."

"While this is all find and dandy. I want to get this over with. I do believe I owe you that vacation my dear." The man purred into Luna's ear, causing her to giggle.

"You're right my love. Go ahead."

"You really haven't realized who I am do you Dumbledore?" The young man said.

Albus stared intently at the youth for a moment. When suddenly, it clicked.

"Harry?" He asked.

A loud squishing sound tore through the air. Albus looked down to see a hand protruding from his torso.

Harry looked over Albus's shoulder. "Was that really necessary? I wanted to play with him for a little bit first." Harry pouted.

Albus was able to glance up slightly, only to see a half hidden face with a mouth full of sharp teeth.

"Why?" He gasped. He was fighting the losing battle of staying awake.

"Well, there are a number of reasons. But thanks to my friend 'Cough' I don't have time to tell you all of them," He sighed. "The main reason. You're the one threat that could jeopardize my plans."

"And just what is that?" Albus struggled to say.

"To take over the world of course," He turned and stalked over to Luna. He gripped her and pulled her into a fiery kiss before turning back to Albus. "The world as you know it is over. The era of the Dark Prince and Princess has begun."

The last thing Albus heard was a tearing sensation in his shoulder as the creature above him began to feed.

**The Bits!**

**A/N: I actually got inspiration for this next little short story from something that happened to me. In a sense it's modeled after a small chapter in my life.**

Hermione yawned as she plopped down at the kitchen table. To her surprise Sirius was sitting at the table, staring into a mug of coffee. He glanced up as she sat down.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked.

"Nope, you?" She asked.

"Not really. I've just been concerned about Harry."

Hermione was touched. Maybe Sirius wasn't so irresponsible after all. At least he was thinking of Harry's well being.

"Don't worry Sirius, I'm sure Harry will be strong this year."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, slightly puzzled.

"Weren't you referring to how Harry's handling all the pressure he's under lately?" She asked.

To this Sirius chuckled. "Nope, I'm just concerned about the bet I lost with Nymphadora."

Despite the many alarms that were blaring in her head right now. Hermione just had to ask.

"What bet?" She asked.

"Well, It started last night. Nym.. I mean Tonks and I were drinking. She was fussing about Remus and how he wouldn't see her in the romantic side. I had nodded my head in agreement. James and I were always the one pulling the stick out of Remus's ass... figuratively anyways," He paused to take a sip of coffee. "So, somehow we got into the discussion about Harry and girls. Would believe I was surprised that he had never seen a girls bits? I was outraged. The son and godson of two legendary marauders had never seen a girls bits? It was depressing."

Hermione held her hand up. "As entertaining as this is. Can you get to the part about the bet?"

Sirius nodded. "So... basically... I bet her that If I could out drink her, she had to show Harry her bits."

"WHAT!" Hermione yelled. Sirius took out his wand and quickly threw up silencing charms.

"Geez, keep it down will ya. I have a bad hangover." He stated.

"Serves you right!" She growled. "I'm guessing by the hangover you lost the bet?" She asked.

"Me, lost a drinking contest?" He chuckled. "Heaven's no. She lost the bet."

Hermione blinked. "She lost?"

Sirius nodded. "What happened?" Hermione persisted.

"Well, the next part is a bit fuzzy. But, I seem to recall her going into Harry's room."

"What? Sirius, are you telling me a drunken, highly attractive woman, went into a hormonal teenagers room and you were too drunk to think about the consequences of this?" She screeched the last part.

"Um... yes?" Sirius stated while blinking owlishly.

Sirius expected an outburst, only to see Hermione settle back down in her chair. "I'm not worried. Harry wasn't alone anyways. Ron's staying in the bed next to him." She said, taking a sip of her coffee. When she looked up she saw Sirius rubbing the back of his head.

"Don't tell me. Ron wasn't in the room was he?"

"Well... Myself and the twins decided to prank him... by sticking him to the ceiling of the main foyer."

The screech of Hermione's chair echoed loudly in the kitchen. Just as she turned Tonks lumbered through the door. Wearing only a nightshirt Hermione noted.

"Morning everyone." She mumbled.

"Tonks. Please don't tell you showed Harry your bits as part of the bet with Sirius?" Hermione asked, which sounded almost like a plea.

To this Tonks laughed. "Of course not Hermione."

Hermione let out a sigh. "Thanks goodness."

"I banged his brains out," She glanced over at Sirius, ignoring a gaping Hermione. "I'm heading back to bed. Harry kept me up all night. Who knew the boy-who-lived had so much stamina. I can't thank you enough for suggesting the bet."

As the door swung closed Hermione continued to gape while Sirius shook his head and continued to drink his coffee.

"Don't worry Hermione. I'm sure this was just a fluke."

9 Months later...

"Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Potter, It's a girl."

**Finally A/N: I know this one only has two stories. But the first kind of ran long. I was originally intending it to be a full story. But, it never worked out. The second just modeled an incident that happened in my life. Did it happen like it did in the story? Well almost like the story? Sorry, not telling. On another note, thanks to everyone all the support. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other movies, tv shows, etc... that I may put in here. **

**The Tally**

Harry Potter pinched himself just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He looked around at the white walls and shook his head. He had been here for nearly two hours. He would have gone mad with boredom if it wasn't for the cute receptionist with the long blue hair and big brown eyes. He had asked where he was. The last thing he had remembered was taking an arrow to the knee. Not sure why the twins were so insistent that they could shoot an arrow off of head, but... oh well. But anyway, back to the story. The lady was kind, but wouldn't give him details. She only stated that Mara would see him shortly.

"Harry Potter," A voice like an angel said, causing him to quit his thumb war and look up. "Follow me." She said.

Two things were obvious. This chick was hot, but she carried an air of authority about her. It was only when she turned to face him that he realized he had been watching her bum. Flushing, he muttered his apologies before taking a seat at a well polished desk.

The woman sat and leaned back in her chair. "My name's Mara Harry, and I have to say. What the hell is wrong with you?" She yelled.

Harry jumped slightly and only managed one word. "Errr..."

"Do you know how much trouble you have caused me? DO YOU?" She screeched. Harry shook his head. "Most people try and make the best of their second chances. You? No, you go and die the next 10 times. It's unbelievable." She said, dramatically throwing her hands up in the air.

"Just a question. How did I die the first 10 times?" Harry asked curiously.

"First time you died by falling off a roof when you were a small boy. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to aparate up their huh?" She snapped at Harry.

"Second time you crashed your broom into McGonagall's classroom during your first flying lesson. And when I say crashed, I mean into the stone wall beside the window."

"Third you were eaten by the Giant Squid," She paused to shuffle a few papers. "Apparently, it thought you were a snack during the fourth task."

"Fourth," She paused again, a gleeful gleam shinning in her eyes. "This one is one of my fav's. You died from exhaustion, due to over exerting yourself."

"How did that happen?" Harry asked.

"You were with a pack of Veela for two weeks. Even you aren't capable of such a feet. And trust me, I've heard the stories about you." She winked causing Harry to blush.

"Fifth, you died while fighting the basilisk."

"Did I die from it's poison?" He asked.

"Nope, you died from it flattening you like a pancake. I mean, the most obvious thing would have been to get the hell out of the way. But nooooo." She rolled her eyes before going to the next document.

"Death Six... well... it was caused by your best friend Hermione." She said, smiling rather innocently.

"Wait, How did she cause me to die?" Harry asked.

"Read page 447, section 9 of Hogwarts a History and you're sure to find out."

"But, I don't have a copy. Can you loan me one?" He pleaded.

She nodded before shuffling her documents once again. "Now, Death number seven came when you caught Ginny cheating on you with Draco Malfoy during year six."

"WHAT! She... what?" Harry stammered.

Mara sighed. "Well, She apparently has a thing for bad boys. It looks like she got tired of the near death experiences that you are constantly facing. I mean face it kid. You're a walking time bomb."

Harry's shoulders slumped. She was right, he was a death magnet. Suddenly, he perked his head up. "Wait, how did I die from catching them?"

"Apparently the sight of Draco's albino-white bum caused you to have a heart attack. So... in a sense, Ginny broke your heart twice," She laughed. Harry just dead panned. "Oh fine, be a downer."

"Death eight happened when you got sucked into the turbine of a jumbo jet," She glanced up to look at Harry. "And before you ask. You were trying to out fly several Death Eaters."

"Death nine was caused by rabid bunnies," She paused to peered closer to the document. "Oh wait, that's someone else. My mistake," Harry gave her a look that clearly said he thought she was nuts. "You actually died by going through the veil."

"Let me guess. I ran through after Sirius?"

"Oh no. You went to go after Bellatrix and tripped over your own feet before falling through."

She shuffle her papers again. "Ah, finally, Death number ten. The reason you are here. Hmmm... Do you want to know how you died again Harry?" She asked sweetly. Harry gulped. He wasn't liking this one bit but nodded.

"You were depressed because Ginny was with Dean. But, do you want to know the truth?" She asked. Once again Harry nodded.

"The truth is. Ginny never truly loved you Harry. She had feelings for the boy-who-lived. Not the Harry Potter standing in front of me. You're a good man Harry. I think you would be perfect with someone like Luna or Tracey Davis."

A million thoughts swirled through Harry's head. But only one stood out. "Wait, how did I die from that? Another heart attack or something?" He asked.

"Actually, no. You died when a piece of dragon dung fell from the sky and hit you," Seeing Harry's look she quickly elaborated. "Apparently Ron's brother Charlie wanted to go all out for Bill and Fleur's wedding, so he decided to surprise everyone with a Dragon fly over. Didn't work out so well obviously. Oh, by the way, when you go back this time try to get you a little bit of that Veela as well. You only live once you get me?" She winked.

Harry slowly nodded. Yep, this lady was nuts. "Ok..." Harry said slowly. "So when do I go back?"

She leaned forward and clasped her hands together, a sinister smile on her face. "Now!" Before Harry could even blink, she had pressed a button her desk. Harry felt his chair disappear from under him. With a cartoonish yell, Harry vanished from view.

Mara sighed and leaned back in her chair. She could only hope he would survive this time. A knock on her door caused her to look up. "Come in." She said.

A thoroughly soaked Harry stomped into her office. "You were gone not even five minutes!" She screeched.

"It's your bloody fault. You dropped me into the middle of the Atlantic." He snarled.

"Oops. Let's try this again." This time she snapped her fingers and he was gone.

She pulled out a bottle of whiskey. It was time to get drunk for she knew she was probably going to get fired soon anyways.

**I didn't think of that...**

**A/N: This came as a thought. It had always seemed odd to me anyways.**

Voldemort sneered at Harry. The foolish boy had fooled him once. He wasn't about to make the same mistake.

He could hear Harry's heart thump in his chest. The boy was clearly frightened.

"Come on out Harry. It's not use in hiding... I can smell your fear." He cackled.

Harry shot a 'reducto' before jumping to another position for cover. Voldemort, after dragging this fight out for nearly two hours, had enough.

"Enough of these foolish games. 'Accio' Harry Potter glasses."

Panic gripped Harry as his glasses were ripped from his face. He looked up as the green light speed towards him. 'Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad... this time.'

**Hangover central...**

**A/N...well... just read and it pretty much explains itself. This takes place in an completely AU setting of a sixth year. **

Harry was worried. Hermione was kicking back a little too much fire whiskey. He cursed the twins for bringing it to the party. The devilish duo wanted to see how Gryffindor house really partied when they added in some liquor to the mix.

Harry was interrupted from his thoughts as Hermione plopped herself down into his lap.

"Wh...What'ssss... matter... hot stuff... you need a gooooo...gooo...goood time.." She finished the last word with a hiccup.

Harry sighed. "Hermione, you're wasted. Let's get you to bed."

"I'm perfectt...perfectly fine Harry... Harry Jamie Potter..." She giggled.

Harry shook his head and picked her up. She started to giggle even more as he carried her towards the girls dorms. Then he realized that it would set off the alarm, which in turn would alert McGonagall. He did not want to be on the twins bad sides for getting them caught. In the end he trudged up the steps with a still giggling Hermione.

Eventually he made it to his bed. After pulling off her shoes and socks he proceeded to tuck her in.

He turned to grab a spare blanket to sleep on the floor when a hand grabbed his arm and yanked him onto the bed.

"Hermion..." He didn't get to finish as he was hit with a 'Stupefy'.

The Next Day...

Harry groaned as he rolled out of bed. He ached all over. He attributed it to the massive intake of fire whiskey. He silently cursed the twins as he made his way into the wash room. To his surprise, Ron and Dean were already in there getting ready.

"Harry, what the bloody hell happened to you mate?" Ron asked, a look of horror etched on his face.

"Yeah Harry. You look like you got into a fight with a wild animal." Dean added.

Harry turned to look in the mirror and his jaw nearly dropped to the floor. He looked like hell. His body was covered in cuts and bruises. Ron made a comment about his back so he turned to the side, only to see claw marks down his back.

Dean was about to comment about Harry's hair when Hermione strode into the washroom wearing Harry's Quiddich jersey.

"Morning guys," She yawned. "Sorry if I was a bit rough Harry. It was my first time." She walked over and pulled him into a very passionate kiss.

Ron and Dean could only stare gob smacked at the forwardness of Hermione. When she was done with the kiss she took a step back.

"I can see now why all the girls want to date you Harry. You're an animal," She then proceeded to wash her face before heading towards the door. At said door she paused to look back at Harry. "Oh and Harry, I don't think I'll be able to walk straight for a few days. So.. a follow up session will have to wait until next week ok sweetie?" She blew a kiss at him before spinning on her heels and leaving.

Harry glanced at Ron to see the red head about to explode. "Cheer up Ron, at least you have Lavender... right?"

**A/N: Thanks for reading everyone..**


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